Dynasty Warriors On Strike
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: The warriors who gave their lives during the end of the Han Dynasty and its aftermath are given new life in the Dynasty Warriors games, but not a few of them are very annoyed with their portrayals. A group of famed commanders gathers before the Koei Headquarters in protest, and the world shudders at what they may do...


Dynasty Warriors On Strike

 _Inspired by SilentNinja's Koei Building sketches, and a chat with SapphireMarbles:_

A number of esteemed generals and strategists stood before Koei's corporate headquarters.

Among the protest signs that waved in front of the building's entrance, a man in armor was the most active. Adjusting his mongolian ushanka with a flick of his head, he added loud growls to that of his peers.

"I am Guo Huai, Wei's General of the Forward Army. The Kingdom of Shu trembled before my might, and I was responsible for driving Zhuge Liang's army out of Tianshui, retaking his admittedly impressive gains in the northwest. Yet Koei chooses to spit on my reputation in Dynasty Warriors by implying that I'm weak, bedridden, sickly and practically useless in a fight. They give me some curious arm cannon as my weapon, whereas normally I'd cut down scores with both spear and bow. They should be relieved, for if we could have our horses without making a scene I'd personally storm that complex and demonstrate why my cavalry shock troops were so feared!"

A man with a mask stood next to Guo Huai. "I'm... Sure... You... Agree?" He turned towards another, significantly younger man who also wore a similar ushanka.

Deng Ai shook his head. "I'm surprised that they'd add so much toned muscle, but they seem to treat me as though I'm some kind of gentle giant. Still, I suppose it's flattering. The thing is, between the two of us they're missing someone."

"That's right!" Guo Huai waved the sign again. "We're not complete without Chen Tai! If they want to repeat the mentor/student thing that they do with Zhou Yu and Lu Xun, then I'm the oldest and the one who guided the two of you, Chen Tai served as your mentor, and you succeeded where both of us failed!"

"Yes, but, um, you don't have to keep up with that act, Wei Yan. We know that your throat gets hoarse sometimes, but it's not because you have some kind of impediment." Deng Ai added.

"Well... It... Helps... Me... Stay... Concise!..." Wei Yan grinned.

"Speaking of strange traits, why do they question my self-expression? I may appeciate aesthetics, but not to such a degree! They put me in these extremely uncomfortable tights, and forced me to wear these high-heeled shoes. Do you know how difficult it is to keep up with your men when you're wearing heels? Only a suicidal idiot would wear high-heels on the battlefield! Do they think I'm an idiot? Are they implying that I'm an incompetent, effeminate, insane madman who prances around babbling about beauty?!" Zhang He's face turned bright red and he began to hyperventilate.

"There... There..." Wei Yan kept patting him on the back. "You... Should... Get... Used... To... It,... The... Writers... Need... Unique... Characterization... For... All..."

"At least your quirks don't make you psychotic Zhang He, Wei Yan. The writers gave me a character quirk. They made me an arsonist! I mean that's Zhou Yu's thing, isn't it? I'm the man who held off Wei at Jiangling, and what do they remember me for? For putting a fire arrow on a bow. That's it. Oh, sure, it's not like anyone ever thought of the idea to put a fire arrow on a bow. Oh, wow, I'm sure that impresses all those commanders throughout history who had bows and arrows, and knew that fire can burn stuff like tents and grain, and even knew that oil can catch on fire and can stay on a rag, but just couldn't put two and two together couldn't they? And everyone who knows archery knows that putting fire on arrows and firing them at melee range is the kind of tactic that could get **you, the archer** burned alive. But maybe that's their point..." Zhu Ran groaned and waved his own sign.

"It's as if they want to destroy our reputations." Ma Dai shook his head. "General Guo, you and I fought with some of the best cavalry on both sides, but they make you weak and sickly and make me seem harmless with some oversized paintbrush. Although, your troops did manage to trample more people than mine... I guess they thought it would be better to neuter you more than I. If they didn't, all would have to bow before your might." Ma Dai bowed low to Guo Huai, who nodded respectfully in return.

"Zhang He, you knew me well, didn't you?!" Yuan Shao screamed as he approached the group. "Please, tell these fine folks here. I wasn't _**that**_ pompous, was I? I wasn't that arrogant and I certainly don't feel that the world revolves around me..."

Zhang He smiled sheepishly. "Um, my lord, uh, I suppose one could argue that compared to your Dynasty Warriors portrayal you are hardly that laughable."

Yuan Shao frowned. "But you imply that I am laughable to some degree."

"Um, er..." Zhang He turned towards the others. "A little help here?"

"You were a mighty warlord in the north. You gathered an army that could have swiftly destroyed Dong Zhuo had you been closer to those events, and you were leader of the Coalition against that tyrant for some time. But you did lose a critical battle to an arguably weaker faction at the time and though you managed to gather supporters you certainly failed to set up a proper contigency plan in case your sons got into fatal sibling fights again." Deng Ai sighed.

"Look, I thought that Tan was mature enough to recognize that Shang was more charismatic. Xi didn't give his brothers any problems and Tan was a renowned commander. My sons should have known better, I can't be blamed for their pride or their lack of discretion. Do you forget that **I** was He Jin's chief tactician and advisor?"

"Yeah, well, he got killed, and you witnessed it. Your point?" Zhu Ran sneered.

But Zhu Ran soon seemed embarrassed when Yuan Shao got on his knees and began howling in pain.

"Yes, I saw He Jin die. I failed him... We all turned to him as the savior of Han, and those bastard Eunuchs killed him and he died powerlessly. That's why I made sure that none of them could torture the people ever again, that none of them could plot to have loyal men, innocent men, or good men die from their schemes. I cleaned Luoyang that day, and ensured that never again would Eunuchs destroy the glory of Han..."

"If... Only... You... Met... Huang... Hao..." Wei Yan sighed.

"Zhang He, perhaps you cannot in good conscience protect Yuan Shao's honor, but you can certainly vouch for me, can't you? I am not a sick twisted pervert! I certainly wouldn't chase after the young daughter of General Zhang Fei, nor would I pursue a widow who was certainly still in mourning after the death of much of her family. Does Koei truly believe that I have no honor?! It is a travesty!' Guo Jia groaned.

"Well, at least you people get recognition!" A man in red robes yelled angrily, waving a protest sign with equal fervor.

"You... Look... Like... Kongming... It... Can't... Be...! You're!" Wei Yan was cut off when the mysterious man spoke.

"Zhuge Ke, in the flesh! It is an insult and a travesty that I'm not playable. They only seem to mention me whenever my useless uncle is mentioned."

Somewhere, Zhuge Dan was crying again.

"That's right." A muscular man in a red uniform cracked his knuckles. "They gave Gan Ning and Lu Meng playable roles, but they'd have the gall to ignore **me?!** "

"Show restraint for once in your life, Pan Zhang." A third red-shirted commander sighed. "At least Ding Feng got to be playable. I suppose I can wait. If they at least give me a cutscene where Cao Pi runs from one of my hastily constructed fortifications, I can die happy!" He laughed.

"Yeah, I have no idea why you're still not playable, Xu Sheng." Zhu Ran shrugged.

"If they take forever to make Cheng Pu playable, then what makes you think they'd include Xu Sheng, Yang Hu, Du Yu et. all?" Deng Ai sighed.

"They made me a pervert!" Guo Jia wept.

"And they made me a parody!" Yuan Shao cried.

"No, I'm the parody!" Zhang He groaned.

"And... I'm... Disabled..." Wei Yan crossed his arms.

"At least none of you are psychotic!" Zhu Ran roared, and proceeded to charge Koei's Headquarters with his sign.

The rest of these once esteemed and renowned officers shrugged, and charged after him.

Soon, Koei would learn the consequences of soldiers who were _ignored_.

* * *

 **AN:** A kind of sort of sequel to my lackluster oneshot  Ignored. Zhong Hui and Ding Feng got lucky but Xu Sheng, Yang Hu, and Pan Zhang make their triumphant return!

I'm not sure how else to describe Guo Huai and Ma Dai's hats in Romance of the Three Kingdoms 11 and 12, so 'mongolian ushanka' will have to do!


End file.
